Anoraks Assemble

Terror at London Bridge is a 1985 TV movie about a series of murders in Arizona being attributed to Jack the Ripper.

It stars David Hasselhoff – AKA The Hoff-Meister – as a troubled detective investigating a series of murders which are somehow connected to the relocated London Bridge.

We start off in 1885 with Jack the Ripper being pursued across the bridge in London, before falling into the Thames, knocking a stone off the bridge in the process.

Fast-forward to 1985 and the missing stone is rediscovered and added to the resurrected bridge which now sits in Arizona. Next thing we know, a random tourist cuts her finger and bleeds on the stone, which, of course, resurrects Jack the Ripper himself.

Before we go any further, I have a public service announcement to make.

In order to fully enjoy Terror at London Bridge I suggest the following three steps:

Step 1 – Make sure you have plenty of alcohol within easy reach.

Step 2 – Go in with low expectations.

Step 3 – Repeat step 1.

Into this madness steps The Hoff-Meister, the new cop in town, battling his own demons after mistakenly shooting a teenage boy in his previous posting.

I really do not have the words to describe how awful this film is. Because it is made for TV, there is little blood and precious little scares. Indeed, the scariest thing we see is The Hoff-Meister’s chest hair, which makes frequent appearances.

And the dialogue is beyond laughable. A woman has just found a dead body floating face down in the water, yet Detective Hoff-Meister feels the need to ask her, “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem pretty shaken.”

Well of course she’s ‘shaken’. She’s just found the dead body of someone who was slain by Jack the Ripper.

Incidentally, I am not sure how Detective Hoff-Meister realises that Jack is back. I may have nodded off briefly at this point.

The film is rubbish, utter rubbish, but I am a firm believer that you have to watch the bad to appreciate the good.

And believe me, Terror at London Bridge certainly qualifies as ‘bad’!